Montréal Anniversaire (fr.)

Plan to visit Montréal as annual celebration was cancelled. I’m sure when all will be back to normal, I’ll be back to Montréal because this fantastic city is holding my heart.

Year ago I’ve reached the lowest level of my despair. My soul was crushed and burned out, I felt emptiness inside of me like if it was a black hole! Nothing left. I accepted inévitable and all I wanted is to stop the torture that continues every day and every minutes for last couple of years.

In the same time I found interesting quote :

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about. ”

By Haruki Murakami

And I was thinking : I was in that storm, or better yet -I was the storm. Unstoppable self blame had to be stopped either way: I needed to remove situation from where I was at that time or to remove myself from situation physically or emotionally.

I needed to step aside to look at everything from different perspectives. It was a challenge I willingly decided to accept. Trip to Montreal was my saving grace.
It’s hard to rebuild yourself from ruins , there is no instruction or book how to do it. But now I know what I really need or don’t need to survive. I needed to rediscover myself. All those pieces and bits that I was dragging with me was very difficult to let go but impossible to carry.
And that’s what I did. I did let it go. No matter how hard it is or painful.
I was left alone on the road -metaphorically and literally speaking. I just accepted inevitable. There is nothing left to save or to fight for. Acceptance of new reality was first step to my recovery.
I think it was also the first time when I felt excited about anything and then I smiled for the first time in many months.
If I needed to grieve my losses, I will do it. I have a right to do it, but I need to make new decisions, new choices, and start to dream about my new life in details. Forgive myself and let myself to heal.
Me, that everyone uses to know was no longer exist. I died. The bottomless emptiness, that I have didn’t feel like a grave anymore, it felt like a new beginning.
I deliberately gutted myself out to be filled with New me.
Trip to Montreal was my emancipation trip. With every mile I left behind I was feeling like something magical happening while I drove.
Magic of personal freedom not owning to anyone explainations what I want to do and when. I was alone and it wasn’t any longer a curse it was a blessing! I was alone but I wasn’t lonely!
I must say that I rediscover myself by the end of the trip. Myself , who is more capable to have fulfilled life when left alone. Myself, who doesn’t need toxic person to define me. limit me or hold me down for their own selfish comfort.
Also, I was really proud of my achievements. What I did to prove myself ,you ask? That’s another story for another day.

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